He Says, She Says, What Do I Say?
“The idea of not allowing kids to start developing skills to make their own decisions is also what impacts them to make reckless ones. If you hadn’t noticed, kids my age, especially teens, are ones to lash out and do the opposite of what an adult says mainly because they want to hold on to whatever power they feel like they have.”
He says, she says, but what do I say? Are we allowed to make our own decisions, or is what is said by the adult what goes? As a human being we learn from our experiences and what others warn us about, but when we’re told to not do something just because “you say so,” it creates curiosity and makes us want to do what you told us not to. This also leads to a type of feeling and frustration that doesn’t benefit either person, and makes the child ask what’s the reason for the adult coming at them the way they did.
Often I wonder if other kids feel the same way. The sense of rebelliousness often comes from within the home setting brought into any setting around them. A lot of parents love their kids but they don’t understand them, or why we do the things we do, or why we rebel and act the way we act. Oftentimes it’s because adults tell us what to do all the time, and the whole time did I really want to do that? Can I say “no” to an adult without having to hear the end of it? It becomes a sort of pin in a child’s voice because they feel the obligation to be respectful and obeyed, but at what cost?
“Oh why did you say no to me?”
“You’re disrespectful, you should never say no when I tell you something.”
“You think you’re grown?”
“I’m the adult here, not you!”
“Did your mother raise you that way?”
“You could be better.”
These are all phrases that make children think they have no say, and that adults can just sit around and make all the decisions for them. It kind of comes off as an adult's tendency to dictate a child's life. That’s when a child often gets fed up and starts to get a bit out of hand and disrespectful. But before you blame the child, really ask them what’s the problem because not everyone’s reasoning is the same, but it all comes from a sense of losing control and power over their life they don’t think they have.
The idea of not allowing kids to start developing skills to make their own decisions is also what impacts them to make reckless ones. If you hadn’t noticed, kids my age, especially teens, are ones to lash out and do the opposite of what an adult says mainly because they want to hold on to whatever power they feel like they have. Then in their mind is “I can do whatever I want whenever I want.” Are there consequences to it? Yes! Do we care? No! Why do we not care you might ask. Because, instead of asking the reason why we do certain things the approach is more of a judgment call, and that you are in the wrong. This then allows the child to take it the wrong way as if you are pinning the blame on them, and as if they are in the wrong. There’s always two sides to a story, and the one the adult may be seeing is completely different from the one the child has. So it’s better to ask than assume.
A time when I lashed out was when a teacher had told my mother that I was being disruptive and I did something wrong without talking to me first.That day I had to write a whole reflection, and she still told my mother. My mother then believed what the teacher was saying when I had a reason for what happened, allowing me not to say what really happened, making me feel alone and angry at the teacher for lying. I wanted to have a conversation with the teacher before the teacher had a conversation with my mother, but it was too late. By then I began to grow resentment towards the teacher and as stated earlier it's better to ask and get an explanation then assume.
As long as there is no connection built with the child, then your words to them might as well be as if you, the teacher, are speaking to a wall. Connection is a big key to why young males and females listen to adults, if you don’t have that there is no point in wasting your breath, because even I wouldn’t talk to you. The typical response from a child is ignoring, asking a question like “why are you only picking on me?”, saying “I don't care,” or leading to straight disrespect and talking back.
This also leads to the proximity of these habits occurring in the school. We want our school to be student-led, but all I hear is that “we are not capable” from some of the adults, or we act like this or we act like that, so students often give up. If we don't have the support from our adults, how are we all going to believe in ourselves to do something better for the community rather than just everyone looking out for themselves? Students are trying to gain a voice in the community, starting from students with the in school businesses selling food, merchandise, and much more, to students running community meetings and events. This goes to show that we are capable. In this case if we want to hear new voices, it needs to seem like a supportive push can go a long way.
Adults in the space need to really stop and think before they tell a student what to do because sometimes it is a trigger. Adults need to really just connect with the student and see where they are coming from. Nine times out of ten they are more compelled to listen to you. This leads to more respect within the space because it gets the young adults thinking, “they respect me so I will respect them.” Teachers need to fall back and also let the scholars rise to the occasion and make their decision on their own to lead by example. Prime example, in one of my classes we have the freedom to speak, stimulate ideas amongst our peers, but when it’s time to bring it back the teacher does not yell at us or tell us what to do at all. He simply raises his hand, waits a few seconds for students to pick up that he wants our attention, and then on our own we are able to bring it back as a whole and let the person near us know that he needs our attention. By doing this he has gained our respect, and also allowed the students to be more engaged in the class because we feel we have the power to make the right decisions on our own before being told what to do.
“Their House, Their Rules.” Yes! But my decisions, my school!
A key takeaway is to connect with the young female and male students in the area around you. This allows them to gain your trust and respect and allows them to trust you, and do the right thing around you. Adults need to fall back just a little bit by calling out every little thing they see, and try to see if a student can rise up to the occasion to hold their peers accountable. This is how we reach our goal of becoming student led and the impacts of what decisions the students make on their own to get there.
Now don’t get me wrong, adults that are always holding us accountable, and trying to teach us discipline, are the majority of the time always having our best interest at heart because some kids need to hear what’s wrong in order for them to act according to what is right. I personally appreciate them because they do give us the support we need that others wouldn’t. Adults in the space do have the power to do anything they want in their space including telling kids what they should and shouldn’t do, but what happens when a much quieter person does something that doesn’t comfort them just because an adult told them to, it creates a troubled mind for the kid especially making it easy to grasp the feeling of being unheard, and unable to voice their thoughts in a space. This can lead to insecurities, less confidence, and more, which will not help their voice feel blaring when they bring up something.
This article was not to bash adults, but to open awareness to the possibilities of growth that occurs within a child when an adult is engaged, listening, and understanding what they have to say. Just because you saw something doesn’t always mean your story from what you saw is correct. Adults need to be less in demand of telling children what to do while using words that might affect them and come from a side of judgment, and build more of a connection and respect that will go both ways in order for the child to actually listen. This way students, or children, wouldn’t have to feel like they can’t come to an adult in the space.